KASMA MAGAZINE

Item Not as Described

By JW Alden

SHARE


Artwork by Jose Baetas.


From: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>
To: Kobe Thompson <B14cKm4giXXX69@wahoo.com>

Subject: this will not suffice

Mr. Thompson,

I received your parcel today. Considering the distance between us (by my reckoning, at least a thousand leagues as the crow flies), I feel honor-bound to thank you for the speedy shipping time. I'm afraid I cannot thank you for the contents of said package, however. This is clearly not the Lost Blade of Cragthor.

Had you at least done your research, you might have known that Cragthor was very particular about his weapons and how they were made. For one, you would not have caught him dead wielding anything but Vorlexian steel, which bears the telltale ripples and mottles of ancient pattern welding. If Vorlexian hands wrought this blade, I'm a Halfling's uncle. It looks more like something out of a cutlery drawer. I suppose I will give you a point or two for attempting to recreate the runic markings left behind by the goblin blood Vorlexians dipped their weapons in, but for future reference: goblin blood is black, not red. 

Now, I am a sensible being, Mr. Thompson. I will give you the benefit of the doubt here. I will assume this was all a simple mistake on your part, and that you did not intend to defraud me. If I melt it down, I may even be able to get some use out of this cheap facsimile. As such, I am prepared to keep the item "as is" in exchange for half a refund. We can call it a day with no feelings hurt, no spells cast, and no negative feedback left on anyone's profile. I think this is quite reasonable. What say you, sir?

~ Vaenala

*****

From: Kobe Thompson <B14cKm4giXXX69@wahoo.com>
To: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>

Subject: RE: this will not suffice

Um im pretty sure item was listed as replica like new without wrapping but will issue small refund if thats what u prefer i guess

*****

From: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>
To: Kobe Thompson <B14cKm4giXXX69@wahoo.com>

Subject: RE: RE: this will not suffice

Mr. Thompson,

I told you I was willing to be reasonable about this, but if you're going to insult my intelligence further, we can put a stop to this little mummer's show right now. While your message doesn't inspire much confidence that you are fluent in the common tongue, I assume you can at least read the words you wrote on your own auction listing. For your convenience, I'll past the entire description here:

LOST BLADE OF CRAGTHOR--GENUINE!!!

Very hard to find one of a kind from cragthr who killed teh demons at seleros and still has there blood on it!! feel a power as you hold this mighty sword!!1! happy bidding this is a steal come on

As you can see, the word "replica" appears nowhere in this description. You have the word "genuine" in the title, for hell's sake! I will admit your reference to Seleros should have tipped me off, as Cragthor never visited the lower wastes, to my knowledge. But that doesn't give you the right to defraud me. At least common brigands have the stones to take up arms when they want to rob you of something. While I might have flayed you alive had you gone that route, you'd at least have a slither of respect about you, if not honor.

Now, you claim your intent to issue a "small" refund. But I've been very clear about what I expect from you if you wish a civil end to this little palaver. You will refund half my gold, sir, and not a sovereign less. If I have not received such from you within a fortnight, I shall take this up with a higher power. What follows, I wash my hands of.

~ Vaenala

*****

From: Kobe Thompson <B14cKm4giXXX69@wahoo.com>
To: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: this will not suffice

lol whatever

*****

From: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support < help@bidomancy.com>
To: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>

Subject: RE: Item Not As Described (AUTOMATED REPLY)

Dear Ms. The Unbound,

Thank you for contacting Bid-o-Mancy customer support with your issue. We're sorry there was a problem with your transaction. When you filled out our correspondence form, you indicated that item *****931179, "LOST BLADE OF CRAGTHOR--GENUINE!!!" did not arrive in the condition described by the seller on the auction listing. Before we escalate this case to our resolution center, we'd like to ask a few questions about your transaction:

-Have you double-checked the auction listing to ensure you're not mistaken about the item's description? We've found that some users commonly mistake the "Like New" category for the "Brand New" category.

-Have you contacted the seller about your problem? We prefer to give our members a chance to resolve things on their own before we arbitrate a dispute.

-If you have, was the seller responsive?

Please reply at your convenience. Your case will be assigned a customer support representative from there. We apologize for any inconvenience you have suffered, and we hope to resolve your issue as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support

Twice Awarded "Best in Customer Service for the Dark Arts" by Yrrgoth and Associates

*****

From: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>
To: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support < help@bidomancy.com>

Subject: RE: RE: Item Not As Described

Dear Customer Support Golem,

Have I double-checked the listing? In case you failed to notice, I am called Vaenala the Unbound, not Vaenala the Uneducated. The listing was a weeping font of lies from top to bottom, and that didn't change with a second reading.

And yes, I held parley with the blithering clod and got what I might have expected from one who would seek to prey on the Unbound One: pure idiocy. So no, "responsive" is not quite the word I'd use. I've forwarded a copy of our exchange along with this message. You be the judge.

~ Vaenala

*****

From: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support < help@bidomancy.com>
To: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Item Not As Described

Hi Vaenala,

This is Brian from customer support. I just wanted to let you know that I've escalated your case to our resolution center and you should be hearing back from us soon.

Also, it may interest you to know that our server handles all automated replies from us. Bid-o-Mancy strives to comply with the laws and legal restrictions of the realm, and as such does not employ golems of any kind.

Thank you,

Brian

Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support

Twice Awarded "Best in Customer Service for the Dark Arts" by Yrrgoth and Associates

*****

From: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support < help@bidomancy.com>
To: Kobe Thompson <B14cKm4giXXX69@wahoo.com>

Subject: Support Case *****58632 (DO NOT REPLY)

Dear Mr. Thompson,

On Yogsmorn, Seventh Day of the Reaping, you sold item *****931179, "LOST BLADE OF CRAGTHOR--GENUINE!!!" at auction. Unfortunately, the buyer has opened a support case regarding this transaction, which has been escalated to our resolution center.

Upon reviewing the transaction in question, as well as the subsequent correspondence between yourself and the buyer, we have ruled in the buyer's favor on this matter. A full refund has been issued from your account and the buyer may be supplied with a return label at your expense.

In addition, the customer service representative assigned to this case has found your auction listing to be in violation of Bid-o-Mancy's terms of service agreement. In accordance with the terms you agreed to upon the creation of your account, all auctions and transactions currently active on your profile will be suspended, your account and username will be banned from our services going forward, and the celestial firehounds of Lythrathyl will be commissioned to devour your earthly flesh. The amount of flesh to be devoured is based upon the severity of the violation as determined by the customer support representative assigned to this case. You will find a rough estimate of that amount in the box below:

[99 %]

If you have any questions regarding the resolution of this case, do not reply to this message. You may use the correspondence form on our customer support page (please supply the case number with any correspondence).

Thank you,

Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support

Twice Awarded "Best in Customer Service for the Dark Arts" by Yrrgoth and Associates

*****

From: Kobe Thompson <B14cKm4giXXX69@wahoo.com>
To: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support < help@bidomancy.com>

Subject: RE: Support Case *****58632 (DO NOT REPLY)

wait what

*****

From: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support < help@bidomancy.com>
To: Vaenala the Unbound < unbound1@hexmail.net>

Subject: Support Case *****58632 (DO NOT REPLY)

Dear Ms. The Unbound,

Good news! The customer support representative assigned to this case has ruled in your favor. A full refund, including the purchase price plus shipping has been credited to your account. 

In addition, the customer support representative estimates the seller is likely to perish from his or her injuries following standard punitive action. If you have any interest in obtaining the seller's remains for necromantic or alchemical purposes, you will have the exclusive opportunity to purchase them at a discounted rate following mystic appraisal. We hope this will serve as thanks for your patience in this matter, and that you will continue to use Bid-o-Mancy to meet your needs for the dark arts. Your business is importance to us.

Thank you,

Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support

Twice Awarded "Best in Customer Service for the Dark Arts" by Yrrgoth and Associates

Note from Kasma's editors: This wonderful story first appeared in the anthology Unidentified Funny Objects 2.


Go Back

WANT TO SUPPORT FREE SCIENCE FICTION?

Three Ways You Can Show Your Support

Patreon

Monthly Support Via Patreon

$2.99

Kasma's fuel is coffee.

ENROLL TODAY

Paypal

Via Donation

$?.??

Use PayPal to make a donation.

DONATE TODAY