God Save the Queen

By Dale Phillips

Encyclopedia Britannica 2009

The largest crustaceans belong to the Decapoda, a large order (about 10,000 species) that includes the American lobster, which can reach a weight of 20 kilograms (44 pounds), and the giant Japanese spider crap, which has legs that can span up to 3.7 metres (12 feet). The lobster is especially subject to size fluctuations and migrational shifts from changing ecological factors...

Thinkweb content, February 2009

The 2012 Doomsday Prediction is based on a claimed end date of the 5,125-year Mayan Long Count calendar, which is December 21, 2012, and incorporates warnings from climate experts and other environmental scientists that the Earth has reached a "tipping point" that could generate mass extinctions, species changes, and worldwide catastrophes...

COPENHAGEN - Mar 10th, 2009

Leading scientists warned Thursday that global warming is accelerating beyond the worst predictions and threatening to trigger "irreversible" climate shifts on the planet.

Newsweek, March 2009

Carbon emissions creating acidic oceans not seen since the dinosaurs.
Chemical changes are placing 'unprecedented' pressure on marine life, which could cause widespread migrations and mutations, warn scientists. Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute reports an alarming rise in pollution in the world's oceans. As coastal cities become awash with rising sea levels, much of their trash will simply be dumped into the waters. This may have unintended consequences for sea life...

New York Times April 15, 2009

Increasing Global Temperatures Causing Unseasonably Heavy Rains.

Scientific American May 2009

Climate Change Affecting Species Growth and Numbers.
Scientists report population explosions, and warn of possible consequences...

Portland Press Herald Interview, Homer Merrick, Former Lobsterman, June 6th, 2009

"Ayuh, I'm out of a job. Lobsterin' used to be a wicked hard way to make a livin'. Now the lobstahs are crowdin' right up onta the beaches. They can live on the land for quite a spell, as long as they stay wet--so all this rain ain't helpin'. Big as anything now, and I swear they're gettin' bigger and meaner every goldarn week. Last week, one of them took some tourist's dog right off the leash."

Science Digest, June 27th, 2009

The Thermohaline Circulation, as they call the Gulf Stream, has stopped flowing before--with a greater than 50% likelihood of a shutdown if we do not enact strict climate policies. Even a partial failure of the Gulf Stream would have huge consequences.
A combination of the rising ocean surface temperature, and the decreasing salinity, already visibly changes the movement of sea currents that depend on differences in temperature.

Associated Press, July 14th, 2009

The UN Climate Change Panel predicted a major sea level rise, which could flood low-lying areas and force millions to flee...

New York Times August 6, 2009

Despite continued heavy precipitation and rising sea levels, some experts insist there is nothing to fear from Global Warming. A spokesman for the Heritage Foundation claimed media bias and scoffed at the fears of repercussions from man-made activity, claiming, "The only thing warming up is the Climate of Fear."

New York Times August 22, 2009

Coastal Cities Report Heavy Flooding, Major Evacuations

Portland Press Herald, September 7th, 2009

Old Orchard Beach--Oceangoing tourists enjoying Labor Day received a rude shock, as people reported being attacked by sea creatures while swimming. National Guard units on shore worked with the Coast Guard to close local beaches, and emergency medical teams treated dozens of people for injuries, ranging from minor to severe. Rene Bourque, of Sac-Au-Lait, Ontario, lost a leg to what he claims was "the biggest damned lobster I ever saw!" Experts scoff at Bourque's claim of a crustacean large enough to sever a human leg, saying the attacking creatures were likely a school of bluefish or even a type of shark, confused by the warmer waters and ranging out of the usual habitat. Lobsters, though, have recently become a major nuisance in this seaside town, and along with the continued heavy rains, have caused a major drop in tourism, as they replace sunbathers on Maine beaches. Local businesses have closed, causing the economy to...

Portland Press Herald, October 12th, 2009

A panel from the Sane Science Society has declared their intent to disprove the recent claims of giant lobsters off the Maine coast. They set out today in the vessel Rational Thought to patrol coastal waters and gather evidence to refute what they say is irresponsible, fear-mongering.

Portland Press Herald, October 13th, 2009

The Coast Guard reports having lost radio contact with the science vessel Rational Thought. The ship was due to check in at 9:00 EST, but failed to signal, and has been listed as missing. A spokesman ridiculed questions of the boat being attacked by giant lobsters.

Popular Science January 15th, 2010

Scientists report numerous sightings of North American lobsters (Homer Americanus) further east across the Atlantic. The lobster population has undergone explosive growth in numbers and size, and a combination of factors has pushed them to expand outward, extending their habitat range for hundreds of miles. Experts speculate on what the effects will be, as...

National Star, April 30, 2010

Expansion of the Bermuda Triangle?
Experts are at a loss to explain the reports of the disappearances of numerous small craft across the Atlantic. Over 500 vessels have been reported as missing in the last few months, and concerns have been raised about possible causes. Not since the days of U-boat warfare has there been such disruption and concern in maritime safety. Theories about the causes abound, from giant lobster attacks to space aliens, an expanding space-time rift, or a larger and more deadly Bermuda Triangle, now renamed the Atlantic Triangle.

Mother Jones, May 2010

Families of missing boaters have demanded action and petitioned the world's governments to investigate the disappearances of loved ones in the mysterious "Atlantic Triangle." Air-Sea rescue missions have failed to locate any trace of hundreds of missing boats, and some groups claim a massive government conspiracy and cover-up.

The Times, London, May 22, 2010

Lobster Sightings Off Cornish Coast
Fishermen in Cornwall report sightings of vast numbers of North American Lobsters, as the temperature of the Gulf Stream changes, causing massive eastward migrations. Asked about the possibility of danger from the giant crustaceans, Mayor Arthur Tintagel quipped, "Bring 'em on, I say. We've got pots of boiling water and tubs of butter!"

Arkansas Traveler, June 1st, 2010

As heavy rains continue worldwide, Senator Bobby "Noah" Dingle, R-LA spoke to the press today about his "Ark Project." Citing the loss of New Orleans, Miami, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and many other coastal cities to continued flooding, he detailed plans for a multi-billion dollar oceangoing vessel, roughly the size of the QE II, to contain as many samples of major animal and plant life on the planet as possible. Rep. Dingle claims Biblical prophecies have dictated this move, that the End of Times is coming, and that people had better "get their house in order"...

Atlantic Journal Constitution, July 4th, 2010

Tragedy struck today as Independence Day festivities at Orlando's new oceanside resort were cut short by an attack of oversized, claw-waving lobsters. George Simpson, the Mayor of Orlando, was struck down and ingested while delivering his speech, and casualties are in the hundreds. Troops are attempting to restore order and drive the creatures back into the sea, but are hampered by the thick shell of the creatures, which renders small-arms fire ineffective.

World News August 9th, 2010

The last known survivors on the island of Manhattan were airlifted out today, as the Big Apple became the Big Empty. Empty, that is, but for the thousands of giant lobsters which have overrun the city that now has become a ghost town. Many wept openly at the loss of a once-great major world metropolis to mindless destructive creatures which some call "hideous, giant sea bugs."

The Times, London, October 22, 2010

London Attacked! Giant Crustaceans Ravage City
At 11:02 today, giant lobsters swarmed up out of the Thames and began attacking people. Riots ensued as mobs raced to get away from the monsters. The horror of the destruction cannot be described, as the devastation spread rapidly.
After the marauding beasts attacked support structures, the great Ferris wheel, the Eye of London itself came crashing down, with the loss of life in the hundreds. Other noted landmarks have suffered considerably from the powerful claws of the beasts.
Says one resident, Stephen Miller of Notting Hill, "it was like a bloody Dr. Who episode. The damn things were everywhere. I never believed in all that rot, but if there is a Doctor out there, then help us. Help us, please."
Heathrow and Gatwick airports were overrun, and all major highways were soon jammed with panicked people seeking to flee the carnage. Refugees have streamed into the surrounding areas.
So far, attempts to stop the monsters have proven ineffective. Scientists from Oxford say technology is the key to stopping these mutant creatures, and have rigged a sonic cannon, with high hopes for success, saying the ultrasound waves will drive the monsters back into their polluted waterways.
The Royal Family has been evacuated by the Royal Air Services helicopter to the Balmoral Estates in Scotland.

Kansas City Star, February 14th, 2011

Continued Attacks Force World Leaders to Debate Use of Nuclear Weapons to Combat Lobster Crisis

Salt Lake City Tribune, March 17, 2011

Nuclear Bombs Dropped in Coastal U.S. Waters to Combat Lobsters

Rocky Mountain News, March 23, 2011

Lobsters Surge Onto Shores, Swarm up Mississippi River
Millions Flee Devastation

Arizona Republic News, May 5th, 2011

Matt Savelle, survivor of the Plains Wars, described the lobster's rapid advancements. "It was like the story Invasion Force they made into that hit movie with George Clooney. The lobsters seemed to be everywhere at the same time. They destroyed telephone lines, roads, cell phone towers, dams, and power plants. People had no communication, and were killed when they went out seeking supplies. We used planes, tanks, missiles, everything we had, but there was no stopping them. Those claws could cut through armor plate, and they'd smash through walls to get at the people inside. We just kept retreating and hoped they'd eventually stop, maybe at the desert or the Rockies. Now even the deserts get so much rain it can sustain them. I suppose they'll even reach Phoenix someday soon."

Las Vegas Sun, November 11th, 2011

Lobster Scourge Approaches City
Gamblers Put Odds of Survival at 1 in 1000

The Last American News, January 1, 2012

As the New Year dawns, many wonder if it will be the last one for the Human Race. Here on the North American continent, as the world's waters have risen, the Age of Man has given way to the Age of Lobster. These giant creatures roam the land, and Mankind here has reduced its civilization to isolated pockets, mostly in inaccessible high mountain ranges.
Around the world, other major catastrophes have wiped out all semblance of world government, and few legitimate leaders remain. Various groups have arisen in their place, from gangster-led looter mobs to armed, fanatically-religious crusaders. One noted group, The Children of Anti-Dune, inspired by a series of Science Fiction novels, attempted to gain mastery over the lobsters and ride them, with the use of well-placed hooks and ropes. The movement was soon crushed.

The Last Prophet, June 6th, 2012

Repent! Repent, you Sinners!
Behold, for I have seen the Claw of the Lord, and He Cometh for You in Vengeance! Why Hide Ye From Death? For He is nigh, and His Spreading Tail shall crush thee, and He shall harvest you in his Pincers.

BBC Live Broadcast, December 21, 2012

"This is Roland Handshaw Smythe-Wellington, reporting for the BBC. I'm coming to you live from Balmoral, with the surviving members of the Royal Family, who refuse to be evacuated from the British Isles, saying they will never abandon their people.
For some time, the battle against the invading crustaceans seemed to be going well. But while RAF and land forces bravely fought off the first few waves, the creatures continue to press onward, slaughtering all in their path. The colour of their hideous, greenish-black carapaces is...wait, here they come, and they're...oh God. Men are valiantly putting themselves between the monsters and the Royal Family, attempting to slow the onslaught with the sacrifice of their lives. It seems to do little good, as the creatures simply cut them down and force their way across the grounds.
There are rifles to spare, but few enough left to use them. I...I cannot stand by and allow this, I am an Englishman, and I too, shall join the fight, though I know it means my certain death. This is Roland Handshaw Smythe-Wellington, for the BBC, signing off.
God save the Queen...God save us all..."